So on Wednesday night (June, 27), my friend Lina Al Sharif tweeted me a congratulations for graduating on that day. Funny thing is, her tweet was actually how I found out my graduation ceremony was early on that day. I didn’t know when the ceremony was lol; that’s how messed up my life is at the moment! Oh well, I never planned on going in the first place, but it sill felt weird and funny. Thanks anyway Linz, you’re such a gem :) congrats la all my friends!
Anger? Sorrow? Joy? A combination of the three? A combination of the three. They passed, the last couple of months, so slowly like a snail making its way across the dead sea. Yet so swiftly, they passed, like a scorching fire eating up the remnants of a thin-paper made, abandoned journal. There was all the time in the world to write and to pour onto the paper this limitless drift of emotions, yet very little time. Duties, dreams, anger, stress, LIFE – all melted and merged into a darkening chaos that held sway over me. It was these very things that always pushed me to blog my heart out. This time the high dose of anger, of frustration, and of longing, however, has been paralyzing.
The list of what I wanted to speak of or rant about is swelling already. There is the dreamlike pack of books I received as a gift all the way from the UK from sweet Vicky whom I never even met, there is Diwan Ghazza and so much inspiration and hope, there is the talent show I have been working on, and there is also my unanticipated trip to Malmo, Sweden. Equally, there has been my unprecedented frustration with the Palestinian leadership and desire to quit twitter and stop reading news for some good time, there has been my laptop busting because of electricity instability, and there of course has been the fuel/electricity crisis that stripped us all in Gaza from any feeling of dignity (an article I wrote on the matter) – 12-18 hours of electricity cuts a day that affected every aspect of our living and one that made the sole intention of our days to try and find electricity/fuel/water, or turn on generators, and pass the time. Waking up to no water in the toilet because of no electricity, forcing me to go to a restaurant in order to use the damn bathroom, sure was enough to ruin my mood for an entire day. Hearing this person’s story and that person’s story, thinking about newborn babies dying in hospitals, and struggling to get online, to charge my phone, or to use electricity for anything at all has all struck me forcibly. Overwhelmed with joy when it’s on, and weighed down with anger and irritation whenever it’s out or back during sleep hours. Electricity became everything. It became our dream, and also our worst nightmare. I cannot fathom the considerable transformation of our Palestinian cause, the cause of the land, of the refugees, of Jerusalem into a struggle for basic human rights and a dignified, equal life.
I was happy to take that break and get the chance to leave Gaza and visit Sweden. I did not know it was going to be so painful. Whereas the biggest deal for me was crossing the Rafah border and getting to Cairo without getting deported, I was entirely shaken with what happened at the Cairo International Airport. The humiliation. As it was boarding time, I was sent back to sit in my chair and wait. He did not tell me what to wait for. There was less than an hour left for takeoff. I came back to try again. I was sent back to my chair once more. He did keep my passport. He did say facing the passport with only his eyes staring up at me, “you’re Palestinian”. I asked insistently if something was wrong. I only got “Nothing is wrong. Please wait over there.” for a response. I was later called by some dude who had the creepiest, ugliest, and most tackiest grin on planet earth for questioning and checking my passport and documents. I, then, was told that I am ready to go. Tears jammed up inside my throat as I took my passport and headed back to try to enter the gate again. I did not want to cry in front of them, a Palestinian should never cry in front of them. But I couldn’t; that one boiling hot tear crawled down my face without permission. I spent that whole time on the plane thinking about it. About what you are to face just for being a Palestinian; even from Arabs. I did not know what to feel. I do not know what to feel until now.
Electricity got back two hours earlier than it was supposed to tonight. I should be jumping up and down with joy. But all I feel is sickness – all the photos from today. I am indeed happy with the thousands who took to the streets and headed to the borders today, I am happy with the renewed struggle for the real Palestinian cause and of the occupied resisting the occupier. I am happy with the brave men, women, elderly, and children who put their lives at stake and stood up to the face of tyranny, of occupation. That same occupation that seizes our land, our rights, and has a hold over our lives and how they run. The occupation that looks down upon us as insignificant and unequal.
But I cry for my people. The photos of the utter brutality of the Israeli Occupation Forces make my stomach roll. They whip the tears out of my eyes and squash my heart like that Palestinian demonstrator is squashed under the horse and dirty boots of the occupier.
Depressing post, I know.. Will make it up in upcoming posts, I promise!
*When sorrows [In our case; MASAYEB] come, they come not single spies, but in battalions* Hamlet
1- Cyber attacks and hackings into internet servers in Gaza caused random cyber blackouts. I received 6 messages so far from the internet company apologizing for the disconnection.
2- My laptop screen stops working because of the weak and unstable electricity generated by our retarded power generator.
3- Fuel is not allowed to get into Gaza, causing an electricity crisis. (considering the 8-hour schedule we had since the siege was imposed on Gaza wasn’t a real crisis -_-”)
4- Valentine’s: The power plant shuts down and the 6 hours per day electricity schedule starts. Our power generator stops working. I can’t use my laptop even if it was fully charged (battery lasts for 3 hours) because the screen doesn’t work and I need to connect it to a pc monitor temporarily, which requires electricity.
5- Internet crisis continues, so even during the six hours, internet keeps going on and off.
6- No internet in most internet Cafe’s
7- If I want to go to a restaurant to make use of their electricity and do some work I can’t because the laptop screen doesn’t work and I can’t just take a PC monitor with me!
7- We get a new power generator, but the fuel problem is continuing and I don’t know when we’re going to run out and become unable to turn it on.
8- Water bumps occasionally stop because of the electricity crisis.
9- It’s so fucking hard to take a God damn shower!! It is cold and we need to turn on the water heater for at least 30 minutes before any shower, and because it’s a heavy load on the power generator we can’t turn it on unless there is electricity! Now imagine, 6 hours per day that sometimes come when we’re asleep or when we’re out should be made use of for showers not just for me but also the rest of the family!
10- I had to miss #LoveUnderApartheid! :( but am happy it was trending worldwide on twitter!! Listen to Lina’s story :(, to Tayseer and Lana’s, and to Laila’s..
11- INTERNET IS STILL EFFING ME UP, I’ve been trying to upload this damn video I made quickly as soon as we got electricity back on the 14th for 3 days now! But YouTube uploads aren’t resumable..
12- Am forced to delays tons of crap (more…)
By: Jehan Alfarra
Imagine a tumor, a big lump of frustration muddled up with helplessness settling inside your heart and getting pumped through your veins and the entirety of your body, and it has no cure. You only wish you can reach down, thrust your hand into your heart and squash that toxic chunk of aggravation between your wobbly fingers. Eradicating it, though, is a treatment you are denied; the only eradication that you can have is the Israeli termination of your life, and along with it the termination of your despair. You may only resort to immunotherapy, which very much depends on your creativity in enhancing your immune system and endurance levels. It would be safe to say that every Palestinian is, one way or another, inflicted with this malignant cell. Where I live in Palestinian Gaza, people are inflicted with this helplessness and hopelessness , but to make matters worse, there is also a time bomb planted inside of their chests as well, ticking away and ready to detonate any passing moment. Life is a mere existence rather than real living. At times, escapism and absolute indifference are your only means of relative happiness.
In Gaza, men have ‘learnt at a very young age what it was to be angry- angry and helpless’. They are encompassed by a cloud of vulnerability and are impelled to watch their integrity being ripped out at every uncertainty and inability to do and be, but as Gaza men are transported with rage, the defiance and struggle against the nasty tumor knows no break. It is a full time job.
In Gaza, even the most moderate and serene women are intensely preoccupied with a paradoxical desire and passion for ranting, cursing, and at times, simply crying. Watching their lives, and if married the lives of their children and their husbands preordained and constrained by what Israel, coordinating with Egypt, permits. (more…)
Place: The balcony of my bedroom.
Time: August, 10, 2011. 3:00 am (Suhoor).
Surrounding environment: A nice breeze, a starry sky, and the noise of neighbouring power generators + Israeli drones.
The characters: Myself, my mind, and Israeli drones.
The mood: Concern and agitation
The props: A mattress, a fluffy pillow, my blue bear, a laptop, a cell phone, a chocolate bar, and a bottle of water.
As I, trying to put my mind to sleep, contemplate the troubling beauty of the lights of not just the stars but also the Israeli warplanes in my sky, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Cast Lead II?
It has been pretty quiet on the whole since this blackout started. I often fear quiet under such circumstances, but the company of my family and the TV screen that I cursed just the other day kept my mind off of things.
It really did not seem to be a big deal at the beginning when I tried to come back on twitter and the connection failed after I had finished my iftar. It happens more often than not due to the random power cuts that causes disruption and messes up the settings of my router. I picked up my phone to text someone only to find that there was no cell phone signal, either! My mom’s phone happened to be on the table in front of me, so I attempted to use hers, though there was no signal whatsoever on that one, too. A couple of hours passed with my mind itching until we all felt that something was not right. We contacted our relatives using the landline, and it turned out the whole strip was experiencing the same thing. (more…)
My attempts at cooking last Ramadan. 98% of what you can see is made by meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ^_^ (I forgot almost everything by now lol)
Gratitude seems too heavy a word and a sentiment to me these days, as the swelling list of my losses up until this point has been preoccupying my mind. I have been thinking of myself and myself alone for a while to the point I feel I have become somebody I am not and never wanted to be, yet still getting slapped in the face- hard. Never before have I been selfish, and no one I knew could ever call me selfish. In fact, most people I met have told me that my selfless efforts to help those around me and to advocate something essentially just is what earned me their respect and appreciation, and thus thinking of myself now feels way too awkward for I have never asked for anything specifically for me. I have been contended with the privileges I had, and what God has bestowed me with in general. And I, like most Palestinians, try my bestest to appreciate life whenever I can and live it to the fullest, though from a bleak outlook on it. My pessimism is what made me happy in the first place, and it is what helps Palestinians cope with such life, injustice, and discrimination. It is when you do not expect something good from this world that you appreciate whatever it is you have, and as Swift said, ‘Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.’ But, I have been gradually losing that ability, and it is agitating me. I had accepted life in this part of the world as it is with the good and the bad, though I was blessed with something that turned my life upside down and made me way too happy to be myself, and then life slapped me with my worst fear to the point I can’t but look at everything I have, and everything I don’t, look at everything I do, and everything I don’t, everything I think I deserve, and everything I don’t. I knew there would eventually be a point in my life where I realize that nothing but a mirage is what I have been living, as the days seem too shallow now, too pointless, too painful, and too hard to escape- OVER A POSSIBILITY.
Tuesday night (May, 10) marks my first appearance ever on Aljazeera English. I joined the discussion of opening the Rafah Border on ‘The Stream’- live. The camera quality was crap I looked like a ghost, the connection was beyond terrible (especially in the second part) I struggled to hear and understand what they were saying and was trying to at least pick up some words (it turns out I sorta misunderstood one of the questions towards the end haha), and I was nervous and stuttered a lot; however, it was a fine experience!
What struck me the most is that although the whole episode was only about 30 minutes and discussed two different topics, and although I did not speak for more than 5 minutes throughout the whole thing, and said nothing but common sense, I was swarmed with tweets, blog hits, and e-mails of support! So I cannot but think, “Hmm what it if the world got the chance to hear more bloggers here in Gaza and everywhere where there is conflict, and to hear them speak for more than 5 minutes, wouldn’t that be great?”
‘The Stream’ is great, different, and beautiful in its idea, and a step on the right path. I salute them. Nonetheless, I would love to see a show more dedicated and focused, and lasts for longer than 30 minutes. Perhaps even a channel of its own dedicated to the same sort of effort? :) It would be freaking LOVELY to have a channel exclusive for activists and bloggers; a channel that would give voice to the voiceless.
Today on The Stream, a social media community with its own daily television programme on Al Jazeera English, I will be joining the discussion of the opening of the Rafah Crossing. I will also be talking about the necessity of trade rather than aid (or not! lol).
The show starts at 19:30 GMT (10:30 pm Gaza time) on AlJazeera English. Or you can watch it live on http://stream.aljazeera.com/
It is morning already, and I am finding myself once again unable to sleep. Israeli air force has spent all of yesterday pounding Gaza leaving at least 5 dead and 40 wounded, including a child, a journalist and a medic (as shells hit an ambulance), and the damn drones have been buzzing in my head all night long as usual. I am unable to study for my midterms, being relatively distracted by all of this talk about ‘Scorching Summer Operation’ although I do know for a fact that Israel will not truly go ahead with a full scale offensive like that one of 2008-2009 just yet. Israel does not have the habit of announcing it when it comes to such military operations, so that is a relief for the time being. This is just a psychological operation I believe whose goal is to leave us all mentally and emotionally disturbed, or perhaps a test for New Egypt’s reaction as Israeli shells have in fact landed in Egyptian land last night. Whatever it is for, it is just messing with my concentration level. And feeling all of this pain drilling right through my heart as I watch Israel’s viciousness inflicting suffering on innocent Palestinians is definitely not helping.
As I passed the time on Twitter covering what was going on, I was dismayed yet again at the complete deficiency in mainstream media when it comes to Israel’s patent, unreserved inhumanity and hypocrisy, and all of a sudden remembered a couple of videos I had seen some time ago of IDF soldiers speaking out and revealing the sadistic, callous reality of the Israeli ‘Defense’ Forces and the system as a whole. It is people like these that I consider true human beings. You can just speculate what it would take for one to go against their own society and military and risk speaking in public.
Maybe now people might start to believe us.
Those are refuseniks, and other IDF soldiers speaking out:
450 “patriots with record” refusing to serve in the military anymore
And those are “Breaking the Silence” group<<<<<<< MUST WATCH
By: Jehan Alfarra
ها أنا ذا جالسة أمام شاشة اللاب توب قبيل الفجر كعادتي، ولكن الدموع تملأ عيناي المحمرتين هذه الليلة والقــهر قد وجد طريقه إلى قلبي. لا أعرف كيف لي أن أصف مشاعري في هذه اللحظة، فلا أشعر بشيء إلا بكتــل من القـــهر ممزوجة بغضــب وحـــزن وألـــم وكبـريــاء تغلب على نفسي فأرهقها. كتبــي وأوراقي مبعثرة على السرير من حولي ومحاولاتي الجاهدة بأن أنهي فروضي الجامعية اللا منتهية قد باءت بالفشل جميعها. رغم قدم هذا المقطـع إلا أنه لا يكف عن إشعــال نــار في داخلي لا أعرف سبيلاً لإخمادها. أستطيع أن ألمس تلك الحرقة في عينيها، في كلماتها التي أحرقت قلبي. أشعر برغبة جامحة لأن أصرخ بأعلى صوتي كفى! لطالما كان اندفاعي بالتوجه إلى الغرب في مناصرتي لقضيتي، فكما يقولون درء المفاسد أولى من جلب المصالح، ولطالما كان كشف الحقيقة للكثيرين ممن غفلوا عنها من أول أولوياتي، إلا أنني أشعر بضرورة التوجه إلى شعبي الذي وقع في فخ نصبه عدو خبيث وإلى أمتي التي طال نومها. ما بالنا منشغلين عن كبريائنا وحريتنا وتقدمنا واستقلاليتنا؟؟؟؟
ذهبت لمشاهدة مسرحية أمريكية البارحة مع زميلاتي في قسم الآداب كمشروع للجامعة. كانت المسرحية تعرض سباق الفضاء بين الولايات المتحدة والاتحاد السوفييتي. يعملون وينجزون. وأين العقول العربية من هذا كله؟ جالسة بين صفوف الجماهير لمشاهدة المسرحية تصفق عند انتهائها. أين كنا وأين صرنا؟ لم نعد نهتم إلا بالمغاني والمطاعم. حمداً لله بأن فئات من الأمة أفاقت من سباتها و بلشت بالثورة. ولكن ماذا بعد ذلك؟ هل سنعود يوما أمة واحدة؟ هل سنستطيع تخطي الحدود الجغرافية بيننا والتي حدت تفكيرنا وحبنا و وحدتنا وإيماننا؟ متى سيثور المصري لأخيه الفلسطيني؟ والسعودي لأخيه العراقي؟ والقطري لأخيه الأفغاني؟ ألسنا كلنا واحد؟ تمزقت الأمة وتمزقت الشعوب.
لقد أفاق شبابنا الفلسطيني للشرخ الذي أزهق دمه رخيصاً وهو مستعد الآن لفعل أي شيء لإنهاء هذا الوضع المشين، وأنا أتطلع أكثر من أي وقت مضى ل15 مارس، لالتئام جرح طال وطالت آهاته… فهل سنستطيع فعلاً العودة ليوم كنا به يداً واحدة ضد عدو واحد نقاتل ببسالة ونقدم الغالي والرخيص لفلسطيننا ولكرامتنا؟؟؟ غزة جزء من فلسطين، ولكني لا أشعر بفلسطين… إخوتي وأخواتي في رام الله وجنبن ونابلس وطولكرم، أمهاتي وآبائي في حيفا ويافا والناصرة وصفد وبئر السبع، متى ىسأشعر بأننا كلنا واحد؟؟؟؟
أحبك يا فلسطين… أحبك جداً
ها هو المقطع
By: Jehan Alfarra
Yeah, am not exactly the poet kind of person, but I try lol. HAPPY VALENTINE ! ^_^
By: Jehan Alfarra
“Pleaaaaaaaaaaase let it be tomorrow!! Actually now, now, nowwww!!! I want the second war now, come on Israel, come on!!! Oh God, please!!” my two sisters just began crying out while running in circles in the living room as I told them that four IDF soldiers have been wounded in border clashes with the Palestinian Resistance. “Heeeeeeeey!!!” I shouted at them, puzzled and incensed. “Look! It’s going to happen anyway, that is out of question, whether it was now or in a month. So, it’s better if they attack now! That way we won’t have to study for the finals!!!! Or do you want them to start bombing right after the finals and then ruin our winter break!?? Or if we die, do you want us to have been hot and bothered by studying and finals during the last days of our lives? They might as well save us the trouble!” one of my sisters responded.
Their attitude boggles my mind. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so startled though; I have grown somewhat indifferent to such things myself. And frankly, they do have a point. Am all worked up and trying to study for my finals this week. I wonder if Israel will indeed give us a new Cast Lead soon.
By: Jehan Alfarra
Ever had one of those days where you feel like you just want to go home after this long, boring day at uni? And you hastily get in the car and impatiently start cursing the apathetic taxi driver who REALLY takes his time?
Well, check out what happened the other day.
I was so grumpy that a little kid woulda probably ran off crying had he seen that look on my face, especially after this one lecture that I have to attend every freaking time for the sake of the attendance marks which make up 10% of my grade! You really don’t want to get me started on how pointless, stupid, useless, silly, and rediculous that lecture is. This lecturer dude keeps jabbering nonsense torturing my brain cells to the point where I’d rather spend all day long watching two people play chess, or even do yoga!
Anyway, back to what I was saying. So, I got in the taxi so eager to just get home, fill my hungry stomach, lay back in my bed and enjoy a peaceful nap. The car got going, then all of a sudden my eyes glanced this something! “Is it!!??” I gasped. I stuck my head out of the window like some weirdo only to find out that it WAS!