The straw that broke the camel’s back, an iPod

Gratitude seems too heavy a word and a sentiment to me these days, as the swelling list of my losses up until this point has been preoccupying my mind. I have been thinking of myself and myself alone for a while to the point I feel I have become somebody I am not and never wanted to be, yet still getting slapped in the face- hard. Never before have I been selfish, and no one I knew could ever call me selfish. In fact, most people I met have told me that my selfless efforts to help those around me and to advocate something essentially just is what earned me their respect and appreciation, and thus thinking of myself now feels way too awkward for I have never asked for anything specifically for me. I have been contended with the privileges I had, and what God has bestowed me with in general. And I, like most Palestinians, try my bestest to appreciate life whenever I can and live it to the fullest, though from a bleak outlook on it. My pessimism is what made me happy in the first place, and it is what helps Palestinians cope with such life, injustice, and discrimination. It is when you do not expect something good from this world that you appreciate whatever it is you have, and as Swift said, ‘Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.’ But, I have been gradually losing that ability, and it is agitating me. I had accepted life in this part of the world as it is with the good and the bad, though I was blessed with something that turned my life upside down and made me way too happy to be myself, and then life slapped me with my worst fear to the point I can’t but look at everything I have, and everything I don’t, look at everything I do, and everything I don’t, everything I think I deserve, and everything I don’t. I knew there would eventually be a point in my life where I realize that nothing but a mirage is what I have been living, as the days seem too shallow now, too pointless, too painful, and too hard to escape- OVER A POSSIBILITY.

Palestine, Israel, and politics are constantly in the back of my head. If I were not Palestinian, perhaps most of this would not have been the case. I have been feeling too old and too cheerless for some time now, something I am known to be the exact opposite of. And often I  wonder if even having my blog and writing about my experiences and Palestine is a gain or an attainment, seeing that I by and large think of it as just another a loss on the list. This has never been something I wanted to do. I never thought I would write anything, I despised writing. But I guess this is my pre-determined life as a Palestinian who wants to do something and change whatever it is that can be changed with so little a power. But at least I do like video-taping and editing.

Now, I just want to be selfish and there is nothing wrong with that. I want one thing for myself. The most trivial things seem precious to me at this point and I keep thinking at things I wish I am doing, but still… I don’t want to think of my long-time-ago paintings and my art, that is fine. I don’t want to think of my dream of becoming an interior designer, not only because I don’t have the chance of studying or doing that, but also because it is not something that would contribute to justice in this world. I also don’t want to think about playing the piano or working on becoming better. I don’t want to think about swimming. I don’t want to think about my lost dignity at airports for having a Palestinian ID. I don’t want to think about having spoiled little children whose lives are much more fun and war-free. I am willing to sacrifice anything I love and want to have, and will continue to do anything noble that would contribute to justice and support it as much as I can with the same spirit I had. But, there is only one thing I don’t want to lose or give up on. There is only one thing I want to be selfish about, and I hope everybody would pray for me. Please, pray that I won’t lose it, and lose my mind, my life, my happiness, and my faith along the way. When life gives me lemon, I do make lemonade. But if it gives me gall, then what do I do?

Ps. As for the title, I lost my dear iPod (my best acquaintance) last night which I’ve used to video tape for the blog and other things, and which cost $300 and was NOT from Gaza. I still cannot believe I lost, where am I supposed to get a new one? How? I was so attached to it L it was always in my pocket wherever I went. Too trivial compared to the losses of a Palestinian, I know, but it is one of the trivial things I value so much, and I just lost it at the very wrong time.

This is the last thing I taped with it- Gaza Port: